Time to think about this

Well, with what happened yesterday, he's been on my mind alot, ok, CONSTANTLY...

I have had several people say things like "I can't imagine how you must feel" and things like that. Yeah, it has given alot of perspective to things, but at the same time, I could say the same thing to JP. After all, this horrible thing happened TO HIM... not me. Yes, if the outcome had been different, had been the most horrible thing imaginable, then, yes, it would have a great and life-long impact on me, and my kids. But what happened, and what ALMOST happened... happened to him. I just want to be near him. I want him to know how incredibly blessed we both are, and how lucky I feel to still have him with me... even though I don't, and won't for another 5 months.

I can't imagine how you must feel, what you must be thinking and feeling.

Yeah... imagine the only home you have, the few things you have to remind you of those you love, who love you, a few little things to remind you that across the Earth, you are loved... That little feeling of safety and home... gone. One minute sitting there taking that stuff for granted, just feeling safe knowing it's there, assuming it will be there tomorrow. Get up and walk away only to have it destroyed a minute later.

I was thinking of JP and his room, his pictures of his kids, his STUFF... but reading back over it, I could also be talking about me and the kids, and that wonderful man.

I hate thinking of it, but I can't help it. I can't seem to stop thinking "what if he'd stayed?" "What if his Internet had been up and running... " he'd have been in his room... quite likely talking to me on instant messenger when it happened. I can't bear to think about it, and yet I CAN'T STOP.

I can't imagine how you feel, what you must be thinking and feeling.

I know I love him, I have known I love him for a very long time, but thinking of life without him makes me realize how much he is a part of me, part of who I am, and who I want to be. I want to be his wife forever. Yesterday I came far too close to being his widow and that realization scares me to even type it. I'm sitting here sobbing now just thinking about it.

But I have to get this out, and get over it. I can't allow myself to keep thinking like this, to wallow in it, and I sure as hell have to get over it before the kids see me. I'm crying, and I'm scared, but I am also very aware of how lucky we are. Some people do not believe in luck, some would call it karma, some would say it's God watching over him, I don't know what it is, or what made him get up and leave that room when he did. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am that he did.

Words cannot describe how fortunate I feel today... which is, by the way, the 16th anniversary of JP's and my first date... funny huh?

I love you honey, more than anything or anyone. I don't know when you will be back online, I hope it's soon, I miss you.