My son was full of shit

I was at bowling tonight, halfway through the first game. I had a 50 in the 5th frame, which is on the decent side of average for me. I carry my cell phone in my front pocket most of the time. Suddenly I had a funny vibe going on in my pants... normally, I'd think "yippee" because it could be JP, but I knew he was in the air over the ocean on his way back to Hell, so it couldn't be him.

It was home. Mom was here watching the kids while I had my big 'night out' with the girls. She said Alex was not good. "How, what do you mean?" He is saying he's got severe belly pain. My first thought, knowing Alex is "what did he eat now?" But Mom, having been a nurse, has already asked him the basic questions, so she is ready for mine. His pain is in his lower abdomen, not tummy, more like guts. She is thinking either appendicitis or hernia. Either way, he should be seen by a doctor. OK, so I bail on bowling, no biggie.

I come home and he's laying on Grandma's bed, covered in blankets, white as a ghost, shivering with a fever. He's laying on his side, fetal position, because his guts hurt, and doubling over helps A LITTLE. He wants to vomit, but can't.

It takes us awhile, but we get him into the truck and across town to the ER.

Guess who's working? Yeah, the same prick who hurt Eric's broken toe. Same jackass who couldn't see Alex's cracked occipital bone (which, btw, happened one year and one day ago!) This "doctor" has absolutely no bedside manner, except bad, and I really have to doubt his knowledge and experience. I think he's a total quack and a real bastard to boot.

They want to draw blood, get a urine sample, but they have to wait, because Alex is basically RUNNING to the bathroom. He says he's gotta poop. (yes, those are his words, my 13 year old son...) After roughly 5 minutes of listening through the door to him whining and moaning, almost in tears from the pain, he comes out, no poop. Mom and I start to wonder... could it just be a severe case of constipation? Actually, I hope that's all it is... better than than an appendectomy or a hernia surgery.

They get their 'fluids' out of the boy, then take him down for an abdominal X-ray. While waiting for the films to come back, we are talking to him, the 'doctor' had said it could be just constipation, but the X-ray would tell us more. At the mention of 'constipation' Alex starts to worry. "What can they do to fix that?" Hehehehehe

Mom and I exchange looks, and start giggling. He is looking really worried at this point. He's no longer in pain though, because they gave him some morphine. He likes that. Morphine is his friend.

So Mom and I start to talk to him about what an enema is, and how they do it, and what happens after it is "administered"... the look of horror and disgust and worry on this kid's face was priceless. I wish I had brought my camera. But wait, it got better.

The 'doctor' comes in with a portable thingy. Looked like a laptop, and he brought up Alex's films on it. He said the words "severe blockage" and I started smiling. Thank goodness that's all it is. He points to this big white/gray mass and calls it a big fluffy ball of poop. The 'doctor' calls it fluffy ball of poop? If it weren't so damn funny, I'd have been even more concerned about this dick's credentials. But it was funny...So I nudge Alex and say "See, you're just full of shit"

The 'doctor' says the word, and Alex freaks out "NO, I don't think I need an enema, really, can't I just go into the bathroom and try again on my own? Please?"

Nope, doesn't work that way buddy. The nurse comes in and starts explaining to him what she's about to do... he's heard it before and wants NOTHING to do with it.

No Shit? (OK, now, THAT'S funny!)

Mom and I leave the room so they can have some 'privacy' Last thing I said to him was "Good luck buddy, hope everything comes out OK"... last thing I heard as I shut the door was "Alright Alex, just take off your boxers" and a little whimper... I was giggling again... (Note to Mother of The Year judges, please do not take this evening into account when tallying the votes!)

When the nurse opened the door when she was finished, Mom and I peered into the room... Alex was laying on his side, covered up, and whines "I feel so violated" as he is trying not to laugh. The morphine has done it's job, he's feeling no pain, but he was still lucid enough to be embarrassed. Mom and I were again in stitches laughing at him.

He then began to BEG this nurse to let him go down the hall to the bathroom. She recommended he wait as long as possible, let the stuff work it's magic... hehe, no, he's going going GONE. It was a good 10 minutes, I bet, that he was in that bathroom. Mom and I were making all sorts of jokes, back in the exam room, so we didn't look like complete monsters laughing at the pain and discomfort of a child.

As we were leaving after he was discharged, the nurse said "Bye Alex, we're done being horrible to you"... and I said "I'm not" as I laughed and led my poor son into the night...

This was WAY better than bowling!