The last supper

um, let me finish:

The last supper we had here as a family, Thursday night was amazing!
We are a busy family, and to sit down all 5 of us together is rare. And for my 3 teens to sit in a room and NOT verbally abuse each other in the name of humor is even more rare.

Thursday was Veterans Day. JP had the day off, and I left work shortly after noon. nudge nudge, wink, wink.

ANYWAY... so I made pork chops,mashed potatoes and corn for supper. All the kids were there. We sat AT THE TABLE, with real plates, not paper and had a meal together.

Now, let me interrupt myself and say that, at times, I feel like the only adult in the family. I feel like I actually have 4 kids. One is just unusually big, and sleeps with me at night.

Back to the dinner table: We were doing the usual, "how was your day" "what did you do today?" when suddenly my husband blurts out (loudly) "...and I was like 'Emilio'!"

He quotes stupid lines from movies folks. Often. But he usually does it when it would fit into the conversations. Not this time.

Recognize the line? Said by Chris Katan. Or maybe it was Will Ferrell.
He watched Night at the Roxbury Thursday morning before I got home.

Of course, the kids recognized the reference, and burst into laughter. And then it became a contest of who could blurt it out best, or come up with the next line, or randomly blurt out some other movie line that would make everyone laugh.

I tried to maintain order, it IS my job. I gave a half-hearted effort to scold JP and get the kids back to eating their dinner. I didn't try too hard, I just had to make it LOOK like I was still in charge.

At one point, it went like this:

Me: JP, will you please quit getting them all
JP: EMIIIIIILIO!!!!
Kids: laughter
me... giving up. Let them go, they're having fun. So was I. Just watching them. Our family may have it's issues, problems with normal teenager things, but in the end, we can still sit down together and be us.

am I the only one?

who wonders "is this it? is this really what my life is?"

I know it's dumb to whine that. I know that if a person doesn't particularly like something, they have the power to change it. usually. It's not even that I don't like my life, I do. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my home and pets, I even love my minivan.

But part of me still wonders if I'm missing something. No, that's not even it, I KNOW I am missing something. I just don't know what it is. How can you miss something without even knowing what you're missing? It's just a feeling, or a lack of a feeling, like a void.

I just have a had time accepting that MY life is going to consist of working hard, working long hours, just to keep my head above water, just seems like all work and no play make nik... depressed.

And the stupid thing is, I did just have an uber-fun long weekend, and there's a small glimmer of hope attached to it.

Maybe I am just impatient (not 'maybe'... I AM impatient, I admit that) maybe I would never be fully happy, maybe I'm one of those 'grass is greener' idiots who, upon getting TO the greener grass, keeps looking and longing for greener grass. It's never enough, I am just that selfish?

I have a job, and I can go to it every stinkin' day, and because of that, I can pay bills, and I can live in the home that I love. I should shut up and be happy about that, so many people don't have that... but still....

Ok, I've played my own Devil's Advocate and I've tried to stop my whiny vent, or venti whine, depending on how you look at it, I guess.
I just needed to get it out of my head so that maybe I can go to sleep tonight when I turn out the light. Because, it starts all over again tomorrow, work and earn, spend and send. lather, rinse, repeat.

Oh hell, my life is a shampoo bottle.

FIRST time's a charm?

I've been pretty lucky in my life with firsts.

My first attempt at the speech competition, back in the 10th grade netted me a trip to State Competition.

My first 'real' (meaning it lasted more than 6 months!) boyfriend turned into my husband of over 17 years, still going strong.

My first wedding dress try-on was a perfect fit, a perfect dress. Never even looked at another, found the perfect one right away.

My first marriage... yeah, see the previous two 'firsts'... picked a winner right out of the gate.

My first child... a son, exactly what I wanted. Of course, he's not perfect, but he's exactly what I wanted in a kid... funny, sarcastic, smart, (usually) honest with me, he's a good kid, I actually LIKE him, as a person!

Yesterday I sent off my first draft of my manuscript to an agent. For the first time. I have heard horror stories of people sending off hundreds of queries, submitted to hundreds of agents, and getting hundreds of what I like to call "Loser Letters"... you know, those "thanks but no thanks" computer generated snubs...

Now, don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes all up on this one. Hell, I started the book so long ago (17 days short of 20 years actually! Yup, wrote those first words on my 18th birthday) that if I was really that nutso about getting my book published, I'd have been A LITTLE more 'on the ball'...

But I can't help but think about those wonderful firsts... and how selfish of me to wish for just.one.more.

Can you believe this crap?

got inspired to poke my head back in here.
Don't know how long it will last.
May just open a new home,
Hang my shingle a little farther down the road.
But I wanted to come by, say hello to the old place.

I miss Scott.
And Phil.
And Stephanie.
And I don't really miss Flat right now, since I'm sleeping in her spare bedroom.
I miss her blog though.

I got an idea for a new one.
Not so much geared for the hubby while he's away.
He's home now.
For good.
Good.

If I get it up and running, maybe I'll list it on here as a link.

I won't do it for a few days, got a long weekend going on here, having too much fun messing around in the humidity down 'round these parts.

When I get home to the birch trees and lakes and get back in my groove thang, maybe I will tell you about my long weekend...

I'm a quitter

No, not smoking.
No, not my great new job.

I called today and put in my notice with my little part time job. The every-other-weekend selling pull tabs. It's just not worth it. The paychecks are small, the tips are nonexistent (recession, anyone?) and it seems like I'm always saying "Aww, damn I have to work that weekend".

With holidays and Emma's hockey schedule, the winter isn't too great, and I KNOW the summer won't be any better. With my current "real" job's schedule, having 4 day weekends all the time, it will be a PITA having to work Saturdays and Sundays of half of those.

I guess I will see how hard it is to NOT have those little checks and those few bucks in tips... if it gets to be noticeably annoying to not have that, I can always look for something else.

In fact, one job I know I could probably fit in is stocking shelves at Menard's. They have a special shift working Mon-Fri only, 5 am to 9am. On Tues, Wed and Thurs, I could leave Menards and head to my bookkeeping job, and on Mondays and Fridays, I could go home, nap, if need be, and then get to my errands and other things that I always seem to have on my "day off" lists.

PLUS: working at Menards would give me an employee discount. Oh, those of you not in this region of the US don't know what Menards is... it's along the lines of Home Depot, Lowe's... huge home store. Everything from plumbing and electrical, to drywall and appliances. You could literally build a house from the dirt up at this place.

I don't know yet, I will wait and see how things go. So as of now, Dec 27th is my last day doing pull tabs, and I WILL be going to Emma's hockey tournament in January (it would have been my weekend to work)

Plus, ending it before the end of the year means that I won't have to dick with it on taxes next year at this time.
It's all about simplifying.
Next year's taxes: No pull tabs, no Guards. Just his job and my job. for now anyway.

nudge

got an email nudge this morning, made me remember my little blog. (Thanks Scott!)

I started this blog back when JP was deployed, and was really very good about posting on it, family updates and all, because from over in Iraq, he would read it and keep up on what we were doing back here at home without him.

After he got home, I slacked a bit, honeymoon stage, I'm sure, but also because it's hard to find time to blog. I always used to post at night before I went to bed, but I don't like to do that around him.

But I have a day off today, and so I have time alone to blog.

My mom is all moved out, she's settled in to her new house, it's a cute little house, perfect for her and her girls, Kate & Chloe.

I am really enjoying working my part time job, having Mondays and Fridays off has really come in handy, kids' appointments, grocery shopping, (CHRISTMAS shopping!) lots of different errands that I never had time for before, I can actually get done!

JP is about to retire from the Guards, he's got his 20 years in, and it's definitely time to get out, he's done a deployment to Bosnia, he did more than enough time in Iraq, and now there are whispers about Afghanistan. Before those whispers become orders, he will be out. I am very relieved.

Speaking of JP, he just called me, and now I've got an errand to run, so I better get going.

I should really try to do better with my posting...

One fourth of a dead cow, and sleep numbers

It's been an interesting few weeks.
JP and I got a call out of the blue, did we want in on a cow killing? HELL YEAH!

This guy knows a guy that JP works with, and through a friend of a friend type thing, we are getting a quarter of beef within the next week to 10 days. Of course, to accommodate this, we bought a chest freezer. Now, before the dead cow arrives, we have to finish the tool room, laundry room so that we can put the freezer down there, instead of the garage, still wrapped in cardboard, like the day we brought it home from Sears.

We also are LOVING our new bed. It's a Sleep Number from Select Comfort. JP is laying ON the bed at a firm 55. I am laying IN my side of the bed, at a cushy 30. It's as if my bed is hugging me, cradling me, not wanting me to leave it. And honestly, I don't want to.

But today is my day off and I cannot stay in bed all day. I've got a list of things to do, already got some of it done. The easy stuff, of course, and now it's time to get going on the P.I.T.A. stuff.

empty nesting!

things are changing around here. for the better.

my mom closes on her own house on december 3. she will be moving out after 3 years with us. it will be hard to get used to not having her here. but as i look around my house, i see something of hers, and realize that soon, it will be gone. that antique chair in the living room. the kennel (for chloe) in the laundry room. the ironing board. the many many rubbermaid tubs of her stuff thats been stored in the porch for 3 years. hell, the entire spare bedroom will be empty! jp and i already have plans for the room. too bad they are conflicting plans.

he wants to turn it into a game room for the kids, couch, tv, and the wii and playstation stuff. i say NO WAY IN HELL. i've seen the way these kids take care of their own stuff, and we just remodeled that room. it's beautiful and clean. i want to install some counters and lower kitchen style cabinets. i plan to use it as a scrapbooking room. that way i have a place to store my stuff and will be able to work on it whenever i want to.

along with my mom's stuff leaving, jp is getting close to ending his guards time... so that means all the camo crap will be gone soon, too.

most of the time i'm not a fan of change, but this kind of change is a welcome thing.

It happens in three's, right?

Wow, I hope bad dreams follow those rules. Bad dreams lately have been plaguing my nights.
I posted them here in reverse order, so as you scroll and read, they're in CORRECT order.

Just awful sad and freaky dreams.... enjoy... I guess!

Bad Dream 1

I walked into a little house, it was empty. Emma was standing up on a box in the middle of a room. Dining room, maybe. No furniture, so I don't know for sure. The sun was shining in the windows, and I could see a bush against the house, it was annoying because it kept banging on the window. As I walked up to Emma, I JUST KNEW (you know, how in dreams, you JUST KNOW stuff??) that she had killed her brother Eric.

I was absolutely distraught... I was so angry and sad at the same time, and I just screamed at her "How could you do that? He was your brother!"

And I remember slapping her. I could actually feel the sting on my hand.

Then I said "Why would you do that to me, don't you realize that he was my favorite"

"Hearing" myself say that was so shocking, I forced myself to wake up. I was damn near hyperventilating, and it just kept playing over and over again in my head.

Bad Dream 2

JP had a friend named Casey. In real life, he does not exist. In this dream, he was real, and a real nutjob. He came to visit us, and we lived in a pretty nice house. Our dining room had a glass ceiling and from there you could see the flat roof over the bedroom which served as a deck.

Somehow I knew (in my dream) and then got horrified and angry and (other such intense emotions here... ) because this guy had skinned my dogs alive. Hailey and Comet had apparently "spoken" to him, him being a bit of a psychic, of course, and told him that they were not happy.

So the reasonable thing to do, of course was to kill them. (???)

I woke up crying because of the last vision: This guy, up on the deck (I'm watching this from the dining room) hanging my dogs' skinned carcasses up on meat hooks.

Bad Dream 3

My husband was dead, I don't know how it happened, it happened in "the past" here. But I just wanted to sit down and bawl, and NOBODY would let me. There was a guy, a friend of Steven's, (that, in real life, does not exist) and he was gay, and he's chatting with me, and we're on a tennis court. He's babbling on and on about how he lost his little dog. I try to interject, MENTION the fact that, perhaps he didn't know, but my husband had just died. He wouldn't let me speak, he just kept droning on about his little poopsie mutt.

People just kept me moving around, dragging me here and there, and even my own mom, wouldn't just let me sit and cry!

The last thing of it, that really made me wake up, was sitting in these bleacher type seats. Emma was sitting on my right, and Alex was sitting one row up, between Em and I. I reached over and put my arm around Em and leaned over and kissed the top of her head. It was so real, I could feel the texture of her hair and smell her shampoo. And then I started to cry.

I found it odd, upon waking (my face and pillow were wet from crying) that in the end, after all these bizarre dreams, that it was only Alex, Emma and I that were left. Not JP. Not Eric. and not Hailey and Comet.

considering thinking about maybe sticking my neck out...

So I got a book a couple of weeks ago. It's more a reference book than a novel. It lists writer's conferences all across the country. I marked about 6 that I'm going to look into further.

Maybe if I go to one of these, get my excitement up, maybe get some networking with other wannabes, MAYBE find an agent...

It's scary, thinking about doing things I haven't done before. No, it's not scary THINKING about them, it's scary DOING things I haven't done before. But I've done it in the past, and with good results, the majority of the time.

My current job is a great example: I was nervous; Can I actually DO this? It's way different to do it in classes vs doing it in real life, for a real company. In classes, I had other students to turn to, if things got too... buggery. Worst case, I'd ask a teacher. But this job? All on my own, nobody to blame for screw ups but ME! And I'm doing it... and if I do say so myself, I am kicking butt at this job. I am doing a very good job of being the go-to girl, the one who can take the stress and crap off your plate and pile it on mine. And so far (knock on wood) it's not stress and crap on my plate.

So maybe I can stick my neck out one more time... As the great George Eliot once said "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

The next big thing

He tried the snoring, but I fought back with earplugs. I just know he's been over there, in the dark, laying next to me, plotting his next move; the next big thing to disrupt my sleep. He's evil like that, ya know! haha

Last night he brought out the big guns: Hiccups. I couldn't tell you if they were audible... earplugs. But it was jarring the bed every 10 to 17 seconds. Yes, I counted, much like a small child will count the seconds between the thunder and lightning, trying to see if the storm is heading away or coming closer.

So I am exhausted this morning and I have him to thank.
Touche, my love. You won that round.

A tail of two kitties

We have two cats, Tiny Sue and Nessa Rose.They have... issues.

Each is unique in her own "special" way.

Ok, THEY won't be reading my blog, so I don't have to be nice: They're freaks, both of 'em!

I was just sitting here with Tiny Sue Tinerson (JP came up with her last name... whatever, he's a freak, too) and noticed yet another balding spot on her... she is an overweight tabby cat, and we got her when she was about a year old, from the Humane Society. She had been recently spayed, so I didn't think anything of her bald tummy at that time. And of course, back then, she was Tiny... thus the name. They had given her the name Tiny, I added the Sue, and there ya have it.

So now it's been.... 6 years I suppose. Her tummy is STILL bald. And cottage cheese fat, too. She's been to the vet for other things, and I've said "Hey, what's up with Sue's belly? Why doesn't she grow hair back there?"

MY VET SAID "Wow, that IS weird"

It's never a good sign when a vet is stumped by your bizarre animal.

Over the years, she'd get a bald spot on her arm, her side, whatever. So just cuddling with her tonight, I couldn't help but notice that she cleans herself... often. vigorously. harshly. with gusto.

Maybe that's why she never grew hair back on her tumtum... all that sandpaper cat tongue...

Then there's Nessa. She is a long haired calico. About the same age as Tiny Sue. Got her just this spring from a woman I used to work with at the bank. I wanted a friend for Tiny, maybe get her to work off some of the tummy pudge. (Don't ask how THAT'S going... they're just getting fatter together!)

Nessa has a problem with manners. In our home, animals are not allowed on furniture. Well, there are actually separate rules for dogs and cats. Dogs are not allowed on ANY furniture. Cats are allowed on SOFT furniture. Cuddle up next to me on the bed, curl up in my lap on the couch while I watch Letterman, whatever. But cats are not allowed on hard surfaces: dining room table, kitchen counters, not even the end tables and coffee table in the family room, where generally, anything goes (gggrrrrrr issues with that, too, but that's for another day)

Tiny Sue knows this rule, she used to ALWAYS abide by this rule. Ever since Nessa came along, and pretty much thumbed her nose at the rule, I have, on occasion, found Tiny also disobeying the hard surface rule.

But Nessa is the worst. She climbs up on counters for a purpose. She is a pig. She has a serious jones for people food. It's not like we don't feed them... on the contrary, I am pretty sure everyone in the house walks by and sees the empty cat dishES and fills it... all 5 of us, DAILY. And I'm also fairly certain that it's Nessa who empties those dishes more often than Tiny.

So to recap, Nessa is eating 90% of the cat food, and as much people food as she can cram into her fat face. Then she jumps down off the counter and proceeds to vomit. I don't know if it's the jolt of the jump that causes her to yack, or if perhaps she has a medical condition.

So there ya have it, I have two cats, one suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and the other is bulimic.

Damn, why's it gotta be so bizarre around here?

I know why: so I have something to scratch my head about...

Birthday weekend, early

So my birthday isn't until Friday, but we did fun stuff this weekend, since I have to work next Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday morning Mom and I got up and went to an auction. Such Fun! There's a buzz, a thrill... bidding on stuff. Will I get it? Will some dufus take it up over my own personal limit?
So, I didn't get anything... well, not true, I did get a pair of ramps, you know, car ramps for $6.
My mom got a complete bedroom set for a steal. It was a great day, Mom and I always seem to have a good time. And don't even get me started on the bizarre, freaky people watching. It's amazing just going to auctions to see the weirdos!

Then on Sunday, we got up early and drove down to the Cities. I won tickets to the Renaissance Festival at our county fair earlier this summer, so Mom and I went, and we took Kate and Hailey with us. Dogs are very welcome at the RenFest. We had a great day there, too. Spent a ton of money, and got a little too much sun on my shoulders, but it was SO worth it.

I have bowling tonight, first week of the season. I'm sure it will be ugly. I didn't bowl over the summer, so now I have to work on my average all over again. Probably spend all season just to get it back up to where it was at the end of last season.

***sorry, got distracted, just spent the last 5 minutes laughing silently (so as to NOT disrupt the funny) at Chloe charging herself in the mirror in my bedroom. She had the Squeekus in her mouth, and this other puppy, looking very similar to herself was challenging her... that puppy had it's own Squeekus, but was acting like it wanted to take Chloe's from her. I had to sit here on the bed shaking with laughter, not making a sound. You know that laugh, just shaking silently? Yeah, that was me... I didn't want Chloe to stop!

So yeah, bowling tonight. Ugh.
I also got a great picture for my birthday, Mom bought it for me last week. I want to get it hung up but I'm not sure where. It's a black and white photograph of a tree. An oak. A very specific oak. One from Oak Alley. You can see the house in the background, and the tree is just amazing and beautiful.

The job is great, LOVE it... the long weekends are wonderful for getting things done, and money is still good. In fact, tomorrow is my last payday from the bank. Yeah, that long for them to generate a check. AND THEY'RE A BANK. And honestly, they're not even generating checks, they're direct depositing everything. Not just for me, no employee gets a paper check. And it takes them half a month to do their payroll. My new job... I do the payroll. Pay periods end Sunday at midnight. I do payroll Tuesday morning. I print out the checks Tuesday morning. My boss signs every check by hand Tuesday morning. Checks are handed out Tuesday. If I worked on Mondays, I'd do it all then, and Mondays would be payday. But I don't, and that's ok.

My mom and my husband and my children have all noticed that my stress level and bitchiness level have both gone down incredibly. Much more peaceful household.

Part time lover

Yeah, I'm loving working part time!
Friday I got so much done!
All 3 kids got their school supplies (they start on Tuesday) all three kids got haircuts, I got some boxes and boxed up all my bank clothes (kept a few that fit, and that I like) and dropped them off at the local charity-run thrift store. Mailed off my "exit interview" from the bank. It goes to the head of HR and it is painfully truthful. I doubt my former boss, if she hears about it, will be smiling. Yeah, so maybe I did burn a bridge, but my former supervisor supplied the fuel, I just flicked my bic.

I also got a nap in yesterday, so it was a great day.

We have no big plans for the final weekend of the summer of 2009. I do have to work pull tabs tonight and tomorrow night, and I guess I'm just hoping for big tips... always makes the night go faster, if people are playing, and winning. Otherwise, I just have my laptop there, no internet, but I can play solitaire at least.

What I'm really looking forward to is NEXT Friday... my first day off after the kids go back to school. The whole day, to myself, alone, peace and quiet. I could get up and clean the house first thing, then just sit around and watch it STAY clean for hours!! That sounds a bit dull, and I'm sure I can come up with something better, but the point is that I can do WHATEVER I want!

First day of the rest of my life

I started my new job today.
It was nothing short of amazing! All that stuff I learned in college came flooding back (ok, some of it was " wait, I remember knowing something about this once") and it was exciting and a little scary. I remember myself in my computer classes, HATING the idea of screwing up an entry, because if I did, that would mean that I would have to go back through it, reverse journal entries, fix the booboo and then redo journal entries. I lived that today, and lived to tell the tale, nobody died, the business did not crumble around me... I fixed it, breathed a sigh of relief and moved on.

So at the end of the day today, everything was fine, everything balanced, including 2 months of bank statements. Invoices were entered, deposits are ready to go (I will drop them at the bank in the A.M. before heading to work tomorrow).

When I got done, at shortly after 4, I stopped at Mom's bar. I wanted to tell her about my day, and besides, my dear Gina was coming in shortly, and she just got a ton of great news herself, so we needed to gush a bit! Gina got engaged over the weekend (to a SUPER guy) and then this morning, she was offered the Assistant Manager position at Mom's bar.

Then after we left the bar, we grabbed JP and took him to get his opinion on a house that Mom is considering. Cute little house, great (big) fenced in back yard, some issues, but definitely the best we've looked at for her so far. So my Mom may be leaving us, but it's all good, she won't go far, but she will have something to call her own... as will I: our own homes.

So between my job, Gina's job, Gina's ring and Mom's (possible) housing options... I've decided that the three of us are THE CHARMED ONES. Yeah, that's right, everything is coming up roses for the three of us, and ya know what? Good! About time! We deserve it!

just a 4 day bug

Yesterday I realized that I had come down with a pretty serious case of the Fukits.
Four days left of work, fuck it. What are they gonna do? Fire me? HAHAHAHA

I'm trying to fight it, I think I have a pretty good work ethic, and in the banking field, it's important to give a damn. So I'm trying to fight it, I'm trying to suppress it. And I think I'm doing a fairly good job. But I can recognize that it's there... in the back of my mind... fuck it.

It's getting down to the wire on Summer ending, and of course, nothing going on all summer, but August is jam-packed. Trying to get the kids ready for school, this weekend we are taking a trip to visit extended family, starting a new job next week (!!!) and it just seems like I'm running out of time, and I cannot wait for Friday. I don't have a job on Friday. Monday either. It's my first of several 4 day weekends. Hopefully I can accomplish stuff and relieve the strain and stress before I start working... because I'm sure that will entail it's own set of strain and stress.

Top this all off with the annoying stress of this situation: I borrowed a bunch of CD's from a coworker, one of the few that I like alot, and will miss terribly. I got them to download onto our external hard drive so that I can eventually put them on my iPod. Now I'm missing one of the cases for the CD. We listened to some of them on a drive recently, so I think the van has been checked pretty good, but of course, I will search it like a bloodhound myself, but I just feel like crap that I may have lost this.

wow, I suck

ok, lots going on, and I'm tired, so I'll SUPER compress it all:

August 27th is my last day at the bank, September 1 is my first day at my new job. It's great, and I'm really looking forward to it, although I am nervous. It's a bookkeeping job, it's part time, for pretty much the same pay as my full time (shitty) job at the bank.

Maybe I'll be a good girl and backdate a few posts, because things HAVE been going on, some interesting, some not so much, but things that I would have normally blogged about. Just been sort of blah lately.

And after Sept 1, I will have 4 day weekends ALWAYS so I will have more quiet time during the days Monday and Friday to catch up on stuff.

So this is it, a pledge to do better and get caught up and details to follow... all that crap, you know.
Now I have to go to bed, this crap of going to bed at 11:30/midnight is really starting to take it's toll on me.