what I am thinking about
I finally broke down today and made an appointment to see my doctor.I feel so dumb about this, I (falsely, I know) think of depression as a sign of weakness. Just the fact that I made that phone call this morning makes me sob with what a wuss I am. But crying about making a phone call??? HELLO?
I just want to stop being tired and getting nothing done, and I am sick of 'dropping the ball' on things and I am cranky with my kids, when I even have the energy to give a shit. My sex life is more along the lines of an "I have to" rather than an "I want to"
I just keep thinking that once I graduate, ALL I will have to deal with is a job, instead of work and homework and classes and senate and the kids being assholes and hockey and my husband being more trouble than he's worth. holy shit, did I just say that? OK, so I could have backspaced and deleted it and pretended that I didn't really think it, but I think it's time to be honest, if I can't be honest with myself and the shit I TYPE, then how the hell am I supposed to get better, right?
When he was gone, I could not allow this within myself, because there was nobody else, now there is, and suddenly I fall apart? jesus I am so screwed up... I actually had a thought for a second that it was BETTER when he was gone! What the hell is wrong with me?
2 comments:
I know just how you feel. I cry every time I talk to my doctor about crying all the time. And sometimes I feel like I don't ever want to see ANYONE again! It's a physiological issue - even my scoffs-at-everything doctor says so! I know you will start feeling better soon. Watch out for the bumps on startup, though!
Sweet pea, I don't know what to say really except maybe you SHOULD see a doctor. Millions of people feel the same way you do. You need to get to the bottom of it but please don't go to a family doctor. They know NOTHING about mental health. NOTHING!!! Did you feel this way before JP went overseas? Was the marriage or your feelings about him headed this direction THEN and they just got postponed while he was gone?
Hugs big big hugs.
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