Another year, come and gone

As of yesterday (the "crappy day") I became a 34 year old woman. This is actually the best time to reflect back on the last year. This last year has been the hardest, most trying, most scary and most rewarding one I've had since I don't know when!

Last year on my birthday, JP and were apart most of the day, I went to a Twins game with my dad, and he took Alex across the state to an academic meeting. We had spent the night before my birthday together, in a snotty hotel in downtown Minneapolis, courtesy of my brother, and it was wonderful. Three days later, he was gone. Three days later, I stood in an airfield on a military base and watched him board a bus. It was midnight, it was cold, and I was trying not to sob.

Since I turned 33, I found out that I can fix a dishwasher. I can even do some plumbing. I can use power tools better than most men (except Scott in Oregon) and I can build anything I want to out of wood. I can fix a bed that has irritated me for 2 years. I can hang 6 foot shelves and hit a stud every damn time. I can build a pantry and install a cupboard and counter top. I can do all of this with my best friend, my (literally!) partner in crime, my Mom. I believe I could do these things by myself, but I choose not to. I like her help, and I want her help. She has helped teach me what I can do.

I learned in the last year that if you don't like your situation in life-change it! If you have a job you hate, do something about it! I learned that' it's never too late to be what you might have been.' that is a quote from George Eliot, by the way, not mine. I learned that plagiarism is not cool. ;-) from my English Comp teacher this summer. I felt for the first time what a perfect grade feels like when it's mine. 4.0 GPA feels just fine. I know it won't last, but for now, it is lovely.

I learned that however I feel about my husband being gone, my children feel it deeper and yet more on the surface than any adult. Their sorrow and anguish is right there, in their every action, every word some days; other days, it is the farthest thing from their minds. I like those days better. I don't want my childrens' days filled with sorrow. I learned that they feed off of my moods. If I can disguise my sorrow, theirs will not cut them as deep.

A year from now, I hope I can say I have learned new things. I hope to see that the wounds that cut my children will heal, having their family intact will make them whole again. I hope my husband finds his wife with her new discoveries to be more exciting and interesting, at the very least, I hope that we will love each other as much together as we do apart; as much as we have for the past 16 years.