Pictures-better late than never

I finally got around to downloading pictures off the camera. Here's the kids on the first day of school, September 5th, 2006. I have a few others that I think I will pop in within the next few days.

Another weekend to get through

It's Friday once again. We made it through another week. The high light of it all had to be JP calling on Wednesday, for Emma's birthday. I was so glad he was able to do that. This has now been her 2nd birthday in a row that he has missed, and I know it bothers her. Alex will have the same issue next month, but Emma's happened first, so she was feeling really down about it. Just hearing from Daddy made it a little better.

The leaves are starting to change colors here, and I'm thinking I'm going to go out scavenging to find some to send to JP. I know they don't have trees there, and I'm just certain that he misses the raking. I think I will send him a nice colorful bouquet, maybe throw some pine cones in there as well.

Today was payday, so I got all of that squared away. I think I'm down to one more payment for the furniture, after the one I'm making tomorrow, then it will be delivered. That will be nice, it's been kind of tight making those payments, but by now, I'm used to it, so I think I will just transfer furniture money over towards the paying down of the AAFES account. I'd like to have that gone by the time JP gets home, but I don't realistically see that happening, not with Christmas, and both boys' birthdays happening before he comes home. Not to mention the heating bill is going to start going back up there. But at least I have wiggle room, and can send them more than the minimum. Every little bit helps, and maybe by the time he gets home, they will be almost paid off. I remember when he got back from Bosnia, there was a big final check for something. Maybe we can use that and finish them off.

It's a weird night here. I am sitting on the bed, and as I look out the North window, I see blue skies with fluffy white clouds. Out the West window, I see dark clouds and rain. Yes, it's raining on the North side of the house, too, but with sunny skies--weird.

I think tonight is movie night for me. I've got a stack of movies on my bedside table, movies I've bought and haven't watched. I'm not allowing myself to put them on the DVD shelves (in alphabetical order, of course) until they have been watched. Maybe this weekend I can get some of that stack put away. I have a bit of homework, but nothing too bad. Yeah, I think that's it, it's a movie catch-up weekend.

It's not a fluke

A few weeks ago, I got a perfect score on a MATH test. 100%, zero wrong, perfect... I was pretty happy, but in the back of my mind was that little 14 yr old kid... Assuring me that it was just a fluke.

I mean, this is Business MATH... The subject that freezes me during tests. The subject I should stay far far away from. Of course, going into Accounting, that could be tough. I was a bad student many years ago. I didn't listen in class, I didn't understand the work, I didn't do the homework, I failed the tests. In Math. I did fine, good enough in other subjects, Math was the Lex Luthor to my Superman... Joker to my Batman... hehe, sorry, just got done reading a thing about superheros. Bizarre analogies from me, I know.

We had another test in Business Math today. We corrected them right after taking them, our instructor doesn't have a TA right now, so she--being the lazy bum she is (no, she's actually very nice, in a Grandma on the porch kind of way) let us correct our own tests so she didn't have to.

I got another 100%... not a single thing wrong. I almost started to cry in class. Luckily I made it out to the parking lot before I started to grin uncontrollably, and into the van before the tears formed.

I am not a stupid girl.

Queen of Fucking Everything?

I got a birthday card from my brother today, a week late, but what can one expect from someone so wrapped up in his own plastic life?

The front of the card says simply: Queen of Fucking Everything
Inside: Happy Fucking Birthday

Am I the queen of fucking everything? For once, I got the feeling that Steven may be a bit envious of me, FINALLY, what I had hoped and wished for a million times over as a child, and I don't want it. I don't feel like the Queen of anything. Unless there is a magical land somewhere that promotes women to Queen status by virtue of studying her ass off and coming home to a messy house and horrible children who deserve to be hauled off to be eaten by the witch who lives in a house made of candy. Only in that land would I feel deserving of the title of Queen of Fucking Everything. I am the queen of nothing.

And again, whether meaning to or not, Steven has made me feel without. Without something that he has, something that he has always had that I have not. I'm not saying that he has everything, he doesn't. I know that much. But I don't have it either. Leave it to him to point that out. Thanks for making it glaringly clear, brother dear.

There you have it, the Have's and the Have Not's. I grew up as a Have Not, sister to the Grand Master of Have. I thought I was beyond it, I thought I had matured enough to think that it didn't matter. I thought that finally, by comparison, I Had more than Steven.
Now I realize that it doesn't matter what I have compared to what he has, and some days, it just doesn't feel like I have much.

I am the Queen of Fucking Nothing.
Thanks, Steven.
It's really not fair to him that I hate him sometimes. Ok, no, I don't hate him, I hate what he does to me simply by existing. I hate the affect he has on me, I hate that he has any affect on me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to stop being his little sister, even now.

My ideal evening (revised)

Of course, my ideal evening would include JP, but since I can't have that, I have the next best thing.
A chocolate cake
A fork
Mike's Hard Berry
Season 3 of Sex and the City.
Fuzzy socks and yoga pants with a ratty T shirt

I do enjoy my girl time, even without other girls to share it with.

I got an A on my Payroll test, and that gives me a 92% for the semester so far, a low A, but an A nonetheless. There are two assignments withstanding, I'm hoping that when they are factored in, it will raise my percent to a stronger A.

Steven wants to meet Dave. Mom doesn't think that's such a good idea, and I have to agree. Nothing good can come of this. They have nothing in common, and I don't see them ever becoming friends. There is no reason for Steven to meet him.

I have to go, I forgot that Gina and I have an errand to run, and here I am, hopped up on chocolate and Mike's...Damn.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night

You know, that song, where they spell it out at the start?
Ok, ok, so I'm a dork, let me be!
and yes, I know it's not officially Saturday NIGHT, it's only Saturday afternoon, but cripes, they didn't make a song for Saturday Afternoon!

I haven't really done a bloody thing all day. It's been my official slack ass day here. I have only left my bedroom for the mail and smoke breaks. I like it here, it's comfortable, quiet and I have everything I need: laptop, Diet Pepsi, box of Kleenex (still fighting that cold!), the 3rd season of Sex and the City and Rolling Stone magazine.

Tomorrow will be a day to accomplish things, maybe. The Vikings play, so it may be another slack ass day, too. I can't tell now, ask me later. Monday is looking rather interesting though. My 11 am Comp Tech class was cancelled, the instructor has a funeral to go to. I think I will still go in and use the computer there though, for the assignment that should have been due Monday, but is now pushed back to Wednesday. I have a Student Senate meeting at noon on Monday, then Accounting, which is a test and Payroll, which is reviewing the test we took in there on Friday.

Essentially, I have a long weekend with no homework, so maybe that's why the slack ass in me is coming out in full force. I am going to have to get dressed at some point, I want snacks in my utopia bedroom. I may have to run to the store. I am hungry, so this could get ugly.

I got a lot of shopping done lately. Gift shopping. I got Emma's birthday gifts, a couple of gameboy games, I got a gift for Mom's birthday, even though it's still 6 weeks away. I found something that was cool, that she will like, so rather than wait and freak out gift-less at the last minute, I grabbed it. I even got myself a little gift, something to wear when JP gets home. (Get your mind OUT of the gutter!) It's a pretty red shirt to wear when I pick him up at the airport. Yes, I know that is still almost 3 mos away, but I like to be prepared!

Nothing incredible or exciting to report this time, except that I think Gina and I are going to go pay Tank a visit and get new tattoos. I'm lopsided, uneven, and it's just not right. I want one on my right hip bone to balance. I have something for me on my left hip, JP is all over my backside (oh, how I wish that were true!) and so I'm thinking of getting something with the kids' names on my right hip bone.

That's all for today, being a slack ass day, I'm surprised I posted at all!!

Another year, come and gone

As of yesterday (the "crappy day") I became a 34 year old woman. This is actually the best time to reflect back on the last year. This last year has been the hardest, most trying, most scary and most rewarding one I've had since I don't know when!

Last year on my birthday, JP and were apart most of the day, I went to a Twins game with my dad, and he took Alex across the state to an academic meeting. We had spent the night before my birthday together, in a snotty hotel in downtown Minneapolis, courtesy of my brother, and it was wonderful. Three days later, he was gone. Three days later, I stood in an airfield on a military base and watched him board a bus. It was midnight, it was cold, and I was trying not to sob.

Since I turned 33, I found out that I can fix a dishwasher. I can even do some plumbing. I can use power tools better than most men (except Scott in Oregon) and I can build anything I want to out of wood. I can fix a bed that has irritated me for 2 years. I can hang 6 foot shelves and hit a stud every damn time. I can build a pantry and install a cupboard and counter top. I can do all of this with my best friend, my (literally!) partner in crime, my Mom. I believe I could do these things by myself, but I choose not to. I like her help, and I want her help. She has helped teach me what I can do.

I learned in the last year that if you don't like your situation in life-change it! If you have a job you hate, do something about it! I learned that' it's never too late to be what you might have been.' that is a quote from George Eliot, by the way, not mine. I learned that plagiarism is not cool. ;-) from my English Comp teacher this summer. I felt for the first time what a perfect grade feels like when it's mine. 4.0 GPA feels just fine. I know it won't last, but for now, it is lovely.

I learned that however I feel about my husband being gone, my children feel it deeper and yet more on the surface than any adult. Their sorrow and anguish is right there, in their every action, every word some days; other days, it is the farthest thing from their minds. I like those days better. I don't want my childrens' days filled with sorrow. I learned that they feed off of my moods. If I can disguise my sorrow, theirs will not cut them as deep.

A year from now, I hope I can say I have learned new things. I hope to see that the wounds that cut my children will heal, having their family intact will make them whole again. I hope my husband finds his wife with her new discoveries to be more exciting and interesting, at the very least, I hope that we will love each other as much together as we do apart; as much as we have for the past 16 years.

It's a crappy day

Rain, drizzle, cloudy, cold.
Not the type of fall day that I love.
I spent the weekend being sick, still am, but that didn't stop me from doing stuff.
Saturday I went out to Dave's and while mom was getting supper prep started, Dave took me for a ride on his 4 wheeler. It was a lot of fun, and I'd like to do it again, when it's nicer and when I'm not sick. We had great steaks for dinner, then I headed for home.
I got a lot of homework done this weekend, I was surprised at how much I got done. I converted my photo album table into a homework area, and now that I have a place to work uninterrupted, it has been working very well. If I have to get up and leave it for something, I don't have to pack it all in, I can leave it lay, open to where I was.

I gave the kids a ride to school this morning, too chilly and rainy to sit on the corner and wait for the bus. Then I ran over to the library to print off some things I needed for class at 11, and printed something for Alex, too. He thinks my flashdrive is cool, and therefore, since I know how to use it, I'm cool, too. I'm thrilled. Well, no sarcasm, I was glad I was able to do it for him, happy that I know how to use a few computer things.

I even got to watch the Vikings play yesterday. It was a very exciting and exasperating game. It went into overtime, and again, Longwell saved it for us, 2nd week in a row we have won by a field goal. Oh well, a win is a win, and by the way, that would be win #2. The Vikings are undefeated this year. I forgot how much I missed it, didn't watch it last year. I thought I needed JP around to enjoy football (no, just need him around to enjoy baseball).

I'd like to take a nap, but I have to shower and get things ready for school, I have class from 11 to 3 today, with little to no time in between for lunch, so I will have to grab something to put in my bag and eat in the hall between classes.

I have a box just for wishes, and dreams that have never come true. The box is empty, except for the memory of how they were answered by you. I love you honey, with all my heart, every single day. I cannot wait until you come home to us. We all miss you so much.
Love you hon,
Nik

I have a cold

Sonuvabitch!

I'm sick. I was just starting to think my allergies were leaving me, and I would finally be able to breathe again. But just when you thought it was safe to go unmedicated... A whole new kind of drug is necessary now. I've moved on from Tylenol Severe Allergy to Tylenol Severe Cold. What is the difference, you may ask? Far as I can tell, about $2. I skipped my Business Law class this morning because I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I did however, make it to my Accounting and Payroll classes this afternoon. I went through the half-full box of Kleenex that I had brought along in just over 2 hours. I went to the grocery store and bought more. My nostrils were raw and red and sore already, so I splurged and bought the Puffs with aloe and lotions and all sorts of soft comfy rub-my-nose features. I grabbed two boxes, just in case. As it turns out, it was a good thing, I went through the first box is 6 hours flat.

AN ENTIRE BOX OF PUFFS IN 6 HOURS!! Yeah, you may think it's funny, but it's snot.

see, sick as a dog, and I'm still the funniest person you know.

Following the advice of the wise Emma Jenkins, I have slathered Vick's vapor rub on my feet and put socks on over that mess. For good measure, I also put some on my neck and have been reapplying it to my upper lip as needed. I am trying to figure out how to sleep upright, since gravity seems to be my only friend. Sit up, snot down, breathe through a minimum of one nostril, sometimes even both!! Lay down, snot everywhere, clogging airways, breath through mouth and wake up with blown insulation crusty mouth.

I have awful kids, 'nuf said, for now anyway.
I'm feeling fuddy and snoddy and I do dnod like talking like dis. Beig snoddy bmakes peepo talk fuddy.
Good nidt.

The Vikings, a date and a Senate Secretary

Tonight is the first game of the Viking's season. It's a Monday night game, they're playing Washington. I'm online while watching it because JP got up at 3 a.m. to "watch" it with me. I am not chatting with him NOW, because his internet is pretty sketchy, and he goes offline without notice, then pops back in minutes later.

I got myself into something new today. I ended up being one of the 2 required students from the Accounting program in the Student Senate. The first meeting of the year was today, and it was all about voting for new officers. Somehow I ended up being unanimously voted as the Secretary. Ok, fine, it takes up about an hour or so of my time per week, and it looks good on a resume someday.

I should be working on my homework, or at the very least studying for my accounting test tomorrow, but I can always do that later tonight.

Rough night, miss you honey

Some nights are easy, a little solitaire, a little reading, and off to dreamland.
Then there are nights like this.
I don't want to play mindless games, I don't want to read some smut novel about other men's quivering members, and dreamland has turned into either nightmares or just plain weird shit.
I want my husband to cuddle up to. I want him to keep me warm, I want to put my cold toes between his thighs, even though he screams like a girl when I do. Oh, to hell with it, I miss the sex. Webcam sex is not the same. He knows it and I know it, and it just plain sucks. It's not the real thing, not even close. I miss his broad shoulders, and the warmth of him. I miss the way he smells, like ... like man, ya know? Not sweaty and dirty persay, but just musky and sexy, like a man, not just any man, MY man. I miss having him spoon me, and wrap me up in his arms, and on cold fall mornings, waking up in his arms, which are always the right temperature, not too hot so I want to get up out of bed, just warm enough to convince me that there is no better place on earth, that I should never leave the warmth and protection of his big arms wrapped around me.
THAT, that is what I need tonight.
Can't have it, that's the pisser.
I just want him back.

Back to School, back to sanity

They all filed out yesterday morning, little buggers!! Off to start another year.
They didn't get out before I took the obligatory First Day Photo, though!! I will post it as soon as I get it uploaded.
As soon as they were gone, I took Mom out for breakfast and we celebrated surviving the summer!
My classes are going good, the one class I was a bit afraid of, Intro to Computer Tech isn't looking too scary, neither is the teacher. I had heard stories of him, the great Computer Ogre... No, more like big goofy 'don't piss me off' guy. I don't plan to piss him off, so I think he and I will get along fine.

Alex is happy, his teachers all seem good, his Math teacher is Ms Stewie... Like the kid on Family Guy, which is Alex's favorite show. Emma is not happy, but when is she? Honestly? She has too many boys in her class, and no friends. Eric is okay with it so far, even though he has a fish kid in his class.

Emma got new glasses, Alex just got a new prescription for his lenses, same frames. Turns out he should have gotten new frames, too, he is growing too damn fast. I think he can go until Christmas though, give me a chance to save up some money.

Bad things going on in JP's neighborhood have got me very... Aware lately. On edge. I don't like it. It doesn't help that I'm in class during the best times to talk to JP, so I haven't talked to him in a few days. Not since before he went to TQ for the memorial service of a guy he knew who was killed. They're having a memorial here in town Thursday night, I'm thinking of going, if I can. Mom has to work, and it's at 9 p.m., and I will not take the kids to something like that. This guy, Josh was killed by an IED, and JP talked to one of the other guys in the vehicle who did manage to get out. I wish he hadn't talked to him. I don't think I want him having any visuals to live with for the rest of his life, his long, happy, with-his-family life. I worry with the way he keeps things in, and doesn't talk about what bothers him, will these thoughts sit and fester and eat away at him? I know, he's a big strong man, and he's tough, but he's mine, and I don't want anything bad to be even remotely near him, physically or mentally. I just want to hug him.

I love you honey, I miss you so much. I cannot even put into words how much I wish you were right here beside me. If you were, you can be damn sure I wouldn't be typing either! Or crying.
Or dressed ;-)

It's finally September, and I am one turtle short

Days are passing, that's nice. One year ago, I was dreading the end of September, because it would mean JP is leaving. Now all I can do is wish that it would be the end of the month NOW, so I could write in here "Wow, it's October already!!". He has been gone almost a year. There have been a lot of changes here in the last year. His wife used to be employed, now she is not, she is a college student, his son has started (and stopped, several times) dating. His daughter has gone from goof, to employed and amazing, to awful and unruly; really hit both ends of the spectrum with full force. His youngest son has gone from angry and moody to cheerful and employed. His (ok, they're MINE) dogs have grown up and grown some manners. His house looks different and is changing all the time. I hope he will be either amazed and happy with the changes, or at the very least willing to accept and adapt to them.

Now, on to the dilemma of the day: I am a turtle short. Shaggy, the oft-forgotten member of the family, a western box turtle is missing. He lives in a 55 gallon fish tank, no water, a pelt of fake lawn and a dish for fruits and veggies, and a shallow watering hole. I went to the grocery store this morning, and while there getting the essentials for us, I grabbed a cut fruit platter for "the Shagman" as we lovingly refer to him. I was busy unloading groceries, putting things in the fridge when I came upon the fruit. I tossed it to Alex, told him to give Shagman some, and check his water, too. He came back upstairs and practically yelled at me "Where is Shaggy?" (as if I had stolen him and was holding him ransom somewhere) Alex had this wide eyed disbelief thing going on, as I asked him what he was talking about, and followed him down to see that, in fact, the Shagman had indeed flown the coop. It is impossible for a turtle to leave the confines of that tank. The sides are a good 18 inches high. Turtles do not climb. Someone had to let him out "for exercise" and forgot him... And he wandered off. Logic takes over, and I instruct Alex to start looking under furniture, in corners, FIND HIM.

It is now an hour later, and I don't know what to say. Shaggy is the incredible disappearing turtle. Gone.

I'm guessing we will find him someday when the stench leads us to his final resting place. I find that sad, and it makes me angry because some irresponsible kid left Shaggy out to 'play' and then just forgot about him. Who? Your guess is as good as mine, I can easily see any of the 3 doing that.

I can't do this, I have to find that turtle... Will keep you posted.