Too Long

I'm having a pity party-wanna come?
I am just getting tired of not having my husband around, that's all. It's been 5 months since he held me in his arms and told me that everything would be okay. The last time I touched him was in March, in Mississippi, and it was awful. Now I wish we had stayed longer, we could have. We could have gotten a hotel room and stayed one more night. But we were due back at work, and there was a storm coming (just missed the tornado as a matter of fact!) so we left. I know at this point one more night wouldn't really make a bit of difference, but I still wish we had it.

JP and I are good people, we are really in love, even after all these years, and all these kids, and all these problems, we are still in love with each other. I think people who have that kind of relationship deserve to be together. Especially when you consider all the creepos and scumbags who get to be with someone they don't really love every day. Why should they get to be happy, hell, they probably don't even realize or appreciate their situation. I know if I had him here, I would appreciate every second. Those days leading up to him leaving, that's all I do, sit there-- look at him and appreciate that second in time. Watch him sleep, watch him talk to his kids, watch him doing simple ordinary things because I know that the clock is ticking, and soon I won't be able to see him doing those things. Like now... Like the last 5 months, and the next 5 months.

Yes, we are in the middle of the longest stretch. It sounds like his R&R will be in December, 5 months from now. That's 10 months total without a single hug or kiss. His deployment to Bosnia was a total of 10 months, with several opportunities for visitation mixed in there. This is so much harder than the first one.

It does make me realize what a good man he is, and how incredibly lucky I am to have him love me. I know these deployments have taught me to never take him for granted. How could I? Now that I know what life is like without him? Why would I ever want to live like this on purpose?

I think tonight is a good night to pull out his shirt from Florida and cuddle up with it for awhile. It's been quite awhile since I've done that. I've been pretty busy, and haven't had time to sink into a pity party for months now. I know once this one is over, I will be fine again for a few months, and by the time I'm ready for another party, I should just shut up since it won't be too much longer before he will be home for Christmas. That will be nice, to have his R&R then, so he can be with us for the holidays. Even if he comes home in early December, we will have Christmas whenever he is here.

Time to go to bed and end the pity party day. Good night honey, I love you so very much.

Tamie! JP! Mom!

Ok, so when I started this silly thing, I had NO idea how they work. Since then, I have been snooping around stranger's blogs, and I found out that leaving comments does not interfere with what I'm writing. (I thought it would be like a thread on a message board... Duh) So if you want to comment from now on, GO AHEAD.

Also, I'm going to try to post a pic now and then, just to see if I can, and how it will work in the blog. I'll just grab one I've got handy for the tester.

Hey, I took the camcorder out to the lake today with Alex, Eric and the girls. Emma was working, so she didn't come. I even figured out how to burn it onto a disk (only the second try, thank you very much!!) so I will be sending that on to you JP as soon as I can, it's really a hoot, I can't wait for you to see it!!

I just popped in this picture of Emma, since she is absent from our Doggie Lake adventure video. This was taken in late June when my Dad took us fishing. She can bait her own hook, and even take off the fish she catches... Such a trooper!! (and yes, JP, that IS your hat she's wearing, cute as a bug, I know!)

Not too bad

I think because it was a short visit, it wasn't too bad having him here. I met them for a few drinks Friday night when they got into town, that was nice. Karaoke with the locals is always good for a few laughs.

Saturday they came over, and I showed them all of our projects and was disappointed in their reactions. Or rather, their lack of reaction... Jerks. Even Mark this time, they were both all "yeah, that's nice". Fine, go home. Jerks.

We decided to take the kids and my dogs to go swimming. We went to Sauer Lake (thank you JP) and the kids jumped right in the water, and Steven and Mark set their lawn chairs in the shade and sat... The last time I took Hailey to water, she was not impressed, didn't really care for it. THIS TIME... WOW she loved it!! I can't help but wonder if Comet was part of the reason. Comet took to the water like she was born for it, and maybe Hailey, with her jealousy issues, didn't want that little brat making her look bad. They were both swimming and playing and making us laugh, it was a lot of fun. I forgot the camera, but Steven took some pictures with his phone, and said he would send them to me so I can pass them on to JP. I will be taking mom and her dogs with us out there next week on her day off. There are shade trees right by the water, so mom doesn't have to worry about being in the sun.

We drove back to town, dropped off the dogs, and went to the Beachfront Grill for lunch, sat out on the patio, it was very nice. I had a talk with the kids on the drive from the lake to the house, about how important it was that they behave, so Steven doesn't feel the need to yell at them, so I don't yell at them and snap at Steven... best behavior, please. For the most part, they did good, but you know Steven, it's never good enough, unless they are silent mindless robots doing his bidding.

After mom got home from work, we chatted a bit, then made supper, of course, we had just had lunch a few hours earlier, but it was so good, I didn't mind, and I still ate too much. But the nice thing is we now have wonderful leftovers to last us a few days. I don't care what the stereotype of gay men is, they're not all polite and proper. Neither of them said "thank you" or "wow, good food, thanks"... jerks.

The tension left about 9 pm last night. I feel better and I know it will be a good 6 months minimum before I have to deal with this again.

I just loved having my girls in the water, and when we go again, I'm going to teach mom to run the camcorder so JP can see it. He will be very happy to hear this news about our girls.
I love you honey, I will talk to you soon!

Seems like forever

I just reread my last post, seems like ages ago that all that happened, but it was only a week. Things with Eric have improved, he hasn't even whined about his lack of Gameboy. He's been swimming, playing out in the yard with neighborhood kids, and even though he did come in crying once ("he kicked me ON PURPOSE!!") he is making a good effort, and I already see an improvement. He is smiling again. That alone makes my day, that kid has the sweetest smile, lights up his whole face.

Mom has been tutoring me in math, helping me get ready for my retest on the 10th. I'm so glad I have her, I don't know what I'd do, how I'd figure this crap out if not for her. I am already feeling better about it, things like fractions, adding/subtracting and multiplying/dividing... I was completely lost. I'm feeling much better now. We still have a couple of weeks to work on it, and I hope we get a lot of time to do it, I know the more time I spend on it, the more comfortable I will be come test time.

Steven and Mark are on their way here as I type. They will be getting in late tonight, staying until Sunday morning. Mom and I made up some shrimp pasta salad (rainbow rotini, how fitting to serve the gay men! haha) and we did the cut up fruit thing, that is just so yummy, it's been hard not to dig into it. But it's for Saturday night supper. We are doing brats on the grill, and baked beans, and all the goodies that go with it. It's been so long since they've been here, I can't wait for them to see all we've done around here. I think it's been about a year. Just to see Comet, and how big she is will be a surprise for them.

I had a "date" last night, with JP online, so I was up very late. I had to get Alex up early to go to work this morning, and I am quickly running out of time to take a nap. Mom will be home soon, then it's supper, last minute cleaning, because I hate it when Steven comes... I love him, but it's such a stressor when he comes here, I feel like nothing in my life is good enough. Then I stop and think realistically... Maybe he should just bite my ass if he thinks my house is messy, or my kids are unruly and rude. Maybe he should just squeeze a baby out of his ass if he wants a child to mold into a perfect image of himself. My kids are my kids, I love them (for the most part) just the way they are. My home is mine, and it's cluttered (full of great memories and cherished treasures) and stained (proof of a good time had!) and full of dog hair ( they are members of this family, and they leave their things around the house, just like the rest of us, if they had thumbs, they'd pick up after themselves!) There, a mini-vent about Steven... I feel better already, bring him on, the pompous little prick!!

I still have to shower after supper and finish laundry, so I should go get started with food, I don't even know what we're having yet. 247 days until he comes home. That's 246 days too long to wait. Not Fair!!

The Longest Day

Let's go in order, shall we?

It actually started last night, I went out to Murphy and helped Mom close, it was actually kind of fun. It was a late night, and I was outside sweating with the mosquitoes but it was ok.

I had to get up early this morning to go up to the school to take the Accuplacer test, just the Math portion, since the basic math class I signed up for was cancelled. Yeah, I failed that sucker. No worries though, I can retake it on August 10th. They even gave me a study guide to help me prepare. Nice though, an accounting major can't even do a simple 17 problem math basics test, I didn't even get 50%.

I got my financial aid done with though, just have to mail off one thing tomorrow. I also got information on the campus work/study program, got signed up for that.

As I was walking out of the school, Gina called, we were planning on going tubing down the river today. So I run home, call Mr Refinance Wizard, get that chore done, decided what we want to do there, since our appraisal came in much higher than we anticipated. Since I knew I'd be on the river the majority of the afternoon, I thought I'd call him and get that done.

Gina, Kent, Alex, Emma and I went tubing. Gina almost had Eric convinced to go with us. But no, he stayed home. Alone. Again.

We went through monsoon season on the river, and within an hour, the sun was shining and it was great. Gotta love that Minnesota weather. I'm almost surprised it didn't snow.

When we got back to town, Gina mentioned that she and Kent were going to Fargo tonight, and invited me along. They were basically going on a cigarette run, and for pet food, both things I need, especially at the North Dakota prices. I talked to the kids, since Mom had to work, told them to be good, stay in the house, and I'd have my cell phone on me in case of emergency. But, if they were good, there really shouldn't be any emergencies, right?

I showered, and Gina and Kent came back and picked me up. We got the smokes, and the Comet food, and then I got a phone call. Alex had heard from Mom, out at Murphy, she was having a hard time, and told Alex to tell me that yes, she could use the help out there when I got home. Alex took this as a major distress signal, and called my cell to tell me that "Grandma needs help really bad"... Um, dork, I'm an hour away, and Grandma knows that, tell her if she calls again that I'll be there as soon as I can.

As soon as I can turned out to be after 10pm. But I came home, unloaded the dog food from Gina's trunk, and ran in to change into one of Mom's work shirts, and headed out. I told the kids that I would be out there helping Grandma, and to be good, and I'd have my cell on me in case of emergency again.

Yes, of course they called. Apparently Emma needed to tell me what was going on with the boys. Eric was accusing Alex of breaking his Lego masterpiece, Alex was denying it, and accusing Eric of going postal and throwing Legos at him. From what I understand, Eric was reverting back to his bad temper tantrums, and was basically having a meltdown. He was, as Emma reported, in his room pitching a fit. I told her and Alex to leave him be, that we would be home soon. Thanks, this is just what I needed.

We get home, and I sit Eric down to hear his side of it, after hearing Alex's side on the phone just before we left Murphy. Wow, what a surprise, two different stories!! I got both boys together, side by side, and let each one tell it, and told them that I could easily believe either one, Alex's story about Eric wigging out and screaming and throwing Legos at him, or Eric's story about Alex breaking his tower on purpose and then shutting the light off and not letting Eric out of his very dark bedroom. I still don't know who to believe. Thing is, I don't care, it has to stop. I sent everyone to bed, it was after all, almost midnight.

Mom and I were pretty awake, after closing (I remember this from McShithole) you can expect to be kinda wired. So we went into her room to chat and unwind a bit. We got to talking about Eric and his problems. I know mom has been worried about the kid, so have I. He watches too much TV, he plays too much on the computer, and too much on his Game Boy. He spends entirely too much time alone. He lacks basic social skills that I believe would help these temper issues go away. I heard everything Mom said, and I agreed with all of it, too. It was just really hard to hear, and I feel like a failure. I have failed Eric, and he's going to end up being the poster child for the next Columbine school. I feel so helpless, and I don't know what to do, and I wish I didn't have to deal with this at all, and especially I wish I didn't have to deal with it without JP. He is the cutest of all my kids, why does he have to be the most screwed up?

I know what has to be done, and it will be started tomorrow. Eric will lose his Game Boy for an undetermined amount of time. He will be limited to one hour of TV per day, and one hour of computer time per day. He will be forced to go with Emma a minimum of 3 times per week to Park and Rec down by the Pavillion. It's an all-day kids day camp kind of thing. He will be forced to interact with other kids, and not just his brother and sister. He will not spend all day in this house, and he will not spend his time (limited that it will be) in the house IN his room. He will learn how to ride his bike. He will not be allowed to stay home alone when we go tubing, he will go with us. I realize that he will probably not be pleasant to be around on these forced issues, but he will learn that if you don't get along with other people, learn how to live with others, and be a decent human being, that your life will pretty much suck, and I will see to it.

I have had a very bad and long day, it is definitely one I am glad to see come to an end. I'm sure tomorrow is just going to be wine and roses, too. Goodie, can't wait. ( can I call a time-out? Just crawl under a rock for awhile? Let someone else live my life for me for a couple of days? That's all I want, just a couple of days... Long enough to hopefully get a better grasp on reality and sanity.) Oh fuck it, never mind.

Appraisal is done

The lady from the appraisal place was here today, checking, measuring and making notes on the house. She said in passing that our tax estimated value was high, and I think when I get a copy of this appraisal she did, I will run to the courthouse to the assessor's office, and ask to compare. If they're estimating taxes on a house that they've estimated to be worth $30,000 more than it really is, then that's a big difference in the amount of taxes we pay, and I want that fixed.

Other than that, everything was fine, I mentioned to her that the downstairs bathroom will be finished in 2 weeks when my father-in-law comes up, that JP and I were in the middle of remodeling when he got called up... Little fib, but she said that she would just call it a full bath then. Mom brought up a good point too, if we were appraising the house to sell it, it would actually have to be done, but since it's just for the refi, it will be ok.

The kids were great today, with the exception of Eric. Big helpers with the housecleaning, but Eric was a jerk. He was whining and complaining about cleaning his room, didn't want to do it, and while Alex and Emma were outside playing because they had finished their rooms, he threw a tantrum and I just put a stop to it. Had to really lay into him, and that's so not what he was looking for. He wanted sympathy and he wanted to be let off the hook. Sorry bucko, it has to be done, and it has to be done NOW... Yeah, I wasn't his favorite person for the rest of the day, at least until I made fish sticks for supper...Fickle little bugger he is.

I have to figure out a way to ship JP's truck to him... It's pretty big, and I want to be sure it doesn't break in transit. It's nice though, it's a Dodge Ram (with a Hemi!) black with purple and yellow graphics, nice rollbar and big fat tires... And of course, full function radio control. He can drive that little bugger all over the sand over there. He deserves a truck, and this is all I can give him for now... Maybe when he gets home we can start looking for a real one for him. Minus the gaudy graphics though, I bet!!

ok, that's it, I'm tired, and I have to take the girls out one last time before I can go to bed. I love you JP, I miss you so much.

Funny thing happened yesterday

My friend Corin, from my comp class came over to work on our latest papers. She has to completely rewrite hers... I do not. I made a few changes to mine, and it's good to go. My rough draft was good enough, in the teacher's eyes to not warrant a total rewrite, so I had it much easier than Corin. We got to talking about our in class writing assignment, and it led to discussing how I thought I could probably write a book on the topic she gave us, I was just full of ideas for this assignment! I said something like "I should probably finish the first novel before I start a second" and Corin wanted to know what I was talking about. I told her about the "book" I started writing in study hall my senior year. She asked if I still had a copy of it, and I do, it's in my trunk, with my other school memorabilia, and wedding mementos. She pretty much demanded that I drag it out and let her read it. She said "If your writing is this good now, I want to know if it was this good back then, or if you just sort of started pulling good stuff out of the air recently!" So as I was sitting there working on a jump start to our assignment for Tuesday, she read through the 'thing' I wrote 16 years ago.
I hadn't thought about it in years, and here she was reading through it, asking questions about it, and it amazed me how much of it I remembered. She was pretty impressed with it, and decided that I must have always had some ability in the writing department, because even back when I was a goofy kid, I was a pretty good writer (her words, not mine!). It just sort of got me thinking about it though. I wonder how much it would suck to try to pull that thing out and have another go at it. I'd have to completely rewrite it, to get it onto my computer, I don't have a disk anywhere with it, just about 60 pages of it printed out from an old computer, back in the day when the pages were all connected, and had those tear-away edges with the holes in it to pull it through the printer. Some of it is still hand written on tablet paper. I even found the ORIGINAL that I started with back in study hall. Part of me doesn't want to touch it, it belongs in the past, and I think that if I started going back over it, I would discover that it's not as great as I thought it was back then. Plus there's the age factor. I wrote that when I was 18, started it the day before my 18th birthday, actually; now I am a 33 year old wife and mother, and this story is very teen oriented, could I still write like that, still feel connected to that era of my life? I worry that anything I would add to it now would make it feel choppy, like a reader could tell "this first part is different from the end... Like it was written by two different people" because it is... I don't know what to do with it. I almost wish Corin hadn't opened up this particular can of worms.

I talked to JP today online. He asked me to hook up my webcam, I wish he could have gotten his done, too, but it was late at night there, and his roommate was sleeping. I miss his face. He's heard that his R&R might possibly be coming in September, but until I have a flight number, I'm not making any plans. Really, any time from September on would be great, since the end of September is the halfway point. We celebrated "Half Way Day" on June 22nd, that was the half way point of the whole deployment... The end of September is the half way point of the "over there" part. We wanted his R&R to be towards the end, so we have it to look forward to longer, and when it's over, it's almost time to start getting excited about him coming home. I sort of wish his R&R could happen around Christmas time, for the kids mainly. I want him home everyday, any day, but the kids would love to have their Daddy home for Christmas break. Otherwise I think I'd be tempted to pull them out of school a lot while he's here. Oh, then there's my classes to consider, too. It doesn't matter really, whenever he comes home will be the perfect time.

I should get off my butt and get going on the list I made this morning, I have things to do. But it's a lazy day, and I just don't feel like it.

Happy 4th of July

Happy... Yeah, whatever.

the kids and I spent the day fishing with Dad, that was fun. We stopped halfway through and had fish for lunch, fried up the stuff we caught on Sunday. We got just a ton, mostly sunfish and bluegills, but the afternoon was almost all crappies. The kids had fun, and I got to spend time with my dad, and that was nice. Lorna stayed on shore, that was even nicer.

We got home, and mom and I ran some errands, then vegged for awhile, then as soon as it started even looking like evening was coming, the kids started bugging me "is it time to go yet?" "Can we just go down there now?" They wanted to walk down to the beach where the fireworks show would be at about 8pm. The show didn't start until shortly after 10. I made them wait to start the walk until 9:30, and by the time we got there, we got a spot, laid out our blanket, and still had a 10 minute wait for the fireworks to start. It was a good show this year though, well worth the walk.

I got pretty sunburned out on the boat today, I was wearing a T shirt, so mainly from the elbows down, minus the wrist watch area, a perfect line there, and my face got a bit red. Emma isn't a bit red, she just browns up right away, definitely gets her sun/skin from her daddy. Poor Eric inherited my complexion though, and he's a lobster in the neck and ear area.

Tomorrow I will be getting Emma out to mow the lawn right away, and the boys will be helping me clean the house, the refinance guy is coming at 2, and I want the house to look like it's worth the amount they are going to finance!!

I found out that my last summer class, the math one has been cancelled, due to low enrollment. I'm sort of bummed about it, I was looking forward to taking it, but I'm also kind of happy. Since they are canceling it, I get reimbursed IN FULL for the tuition and the price of the books I bought for the class. I can sure use the money right now, after paying Home Depot and Target off. It will make it much easier to get to the next pay day. I think Thursday we are going to run to Fargo, we need to get cigarettes and dog food. Even with the price of gas, it's still a bargain. Cigarettes alone saves us $15 per carton, and the dog food, well, Comet's kind, here in town is $45, and in Fargo it's only $24. So, yeah, I think it's worth the drive. All 4 dogs get a different formula of food, and they're all cheaper across the border.

Well, it's late, and I have a busy day tomorrow, so I will call it a night. JP- I love you. I miss you, and I wish you could get a damn day off. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY deserves it as much as you do, honey. I will talk to you soon, til then...I'm always thinking of you.