364

As I sit here on the last September 18th I will spend in my 30's, I find myself taking stock of my life.

I have more debt than I ever wanted/expected. I need a new fence for my backyard. My front living room windows need replacing. My oldest child needs therapy, not mental, chemical dependancy. My only daughter received her first kiss last night, and as a result, my husband's guns are all freshly cleaned and he is now out pricing blow torches. My youngest child is taller than me, and I am not a short person.

There could be a lot to whine about. But in the bigger picture, things are okay.

I am over 18 years into a very successful marriage to the best man I have ever known. My mortgage is current. My husband and I are both gainfully employed. My job is challenging and some days, exhausting... but for the most part, I really enjoy it. My husband will never again leave us to serve his country. After over 20 years, 3 of it spent deployed to war zones, my husband is retired from the military. We survived that. All of us. Together.I have two golden retrievers and one tabby cat that are well behaved, well trained and well loved.

I have more to be thankful for than I have to whine about. And that, my friends, is a successful life.

derailing

he makes me so mad sometimes, and I don't even think he realizes what a follower he is.
we are in debt, like most americans, but the thing is, we will ALWAYS be in debt because he cares too much about what people think. he cares too much about what's expected to be done.
example today that caused this rant?

it's the 4th of july. even tho we don't get paid til friday and have very little money (read: NONE) he still insisted that we go out yesterday and buy fireworks (state of MN fireworks are pretty pussy, so what was the point even?) that was $40. He insisted we go out and do something. Ok, let's take the dogs to the lake (my suggestion: it's free!) after we did that, he says we are going out to dinner. Just he and I and the youngest boy. that was another $50.
we have food in the house, but because it's the 4th of july, we must grill. IT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO... so we had to go to the store (note I said "we"... he had a couple of beers a few hours ago during the Twins game, so he made me drive) to buy grilling meats and potato salad. store bought potato salad is NASTY... but it must be done because TODAY IS THE 4TH OF JULY, AND THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO.

So, $40 fireworks, $50 dinner, and $45 grocery bill... that's $135 THAT WE DON'T HAVE.
We will never get out of debt with him... existing in the equation.

we pay our bills., always. I see to that. but to get ahead, to have money each month to pay extra, to try to eliminate bills sooner? Not with him. He sees ANY money in the account and figures it's free to be spent. Hell, as he showed in the last 24 hours, even when I tell him that we don't have any money, he still whips out the card (bank card, he's not allowed to carry the only credit card we own... I don't carry mine either) and swipes it without a fucking care in the world.

why should he care? HE doesn't have to balance the budget... I DO.

Maybe I need to budget an allowance for him. Spend it on anything you want... if you want McD's for supper, when there's food in the house, it comes from YOUR allowance. You think we need a stupid Blue ray copy of a movie? YOUR allowance. When it's gone, it's gone, and you have no access to the money... and believe me, if I could actually do this, his allowance would not be much.
But this is a dream, it will never happen. Because he's a man, he makes the majority of the money, and if he wants brat-burgers for dinner dammit, then he's gonna have it... he's not a chauvanistic pig, but he isn't a doormat either.

I just got a raise AND I quit smoking. That additional money is still going to be used. I will still write it in the checkbook register as "cigarettes", and the money will be sent to (insert name of lender here) Same goes for the amount of increase my bottom line paycheck receives with this raise. The way I see it, if you don't USE additional money for something specific, then it's like it's not really there. You don't really SAVE money, unless you move it into the savings account. Otherwise, money you "save" with coupons at the grocery store, hell, you just spend it elsewhere. It is not saved.

but my bitch today is about my husband derailing my efforts to free us from debt. He just doesn't get it. I've read books by Dave Ramsey... I would LOVE to do that whole snowball thing... but to get HIM to let me take a second job (OH.MY.GOD. what would "people" think???) to earn extra money would take an act of god.

He just cares too much about looking right, and what people think of him/us. And I just don't give a damn.

Who's the best mom?

As Mother's Day approaches (which, coincidentally this year falls on my wedding anniversary! WooHoo! Double presents day! Oh, and 18 years of wedded bliss, I got that going for me, too!)

Anyway, as the day to celebrate Mom draws near, I find myself with a heart wrenching predicament... my oldest son is no longer living with us. He's been having issues at school. Rather, issues with ATTENDING school. There's other stuff going on, but the point is, a week and a half ago, he basically moved out. My mom lives about 6 blocks away, and she offered to take him in and turn his life into a therapy session.

After 10 days or so, he has improved. Hasn't missed a single class, hasn't even been tardy. Not once. His attitude and mood have improved by leaps and bounds!

So what's the problem? I'm torn here: Happy as hell that whatever is going on over there is working, but heartbroken that I couldn't help my son myself. I know, I know, I am NOT Happy Bunny; it's NOT all about me. I'm being selfish; at least he's getting help.

But what's wrong with me, and hubby, and our life and our home, that Alex needed to leave it to improve? I might be a bit jealous of my mom...

I still see Alex almost every day, but I do miss him. I realize that I was buffering him; from his father, from harm, from consequences. I needed to step back and do the whole "learn from your mistakes" game with him.

My mom is my best friend, without a doubt, I trust her with my life, my kids' lives, absolutely nothing I worry about there... she was a great mom to me, tough with the right amount of fun and discipline. Stands to reason that the same should be true as she deals with Alex.

My 'whine' is that what the hell is wrong with me, that I didn't SEE the way my mom raised me, and LEARN to do it for my kids? I feel like I failed him.

MSN Money advise BLOWS

In the past week, maybe two, certainly to coincide with tax season, MSN Money has had articles on "great ways to save money"...

They all assume that we are blathering idiots who throw our money away willy-nilly until they swoop in with their sage advise to save us. Give me a break...

Examples? You want examples? easy.

"Stop buying those $4 Starbucks coffees every morning on your way to work" Um, dumbass, I never did that... next.

"Stop going out to lunch with coworkers, bring leftovers from home instead" Not only do I not really care for most of my coworkers, I sure as hell wouldn't go spend my LUNCH with them, I use that time to get away from them; I sit out in my vehicle, drink a Diet Pepsi (from home) and smoke. No food = no expense. try again.

"Try store brands instead of name brands when grocery shopping" Dumbass, that's pretty much ALL I get.

What brought this rant on was the crap they spewed yesterday...
"Try the 50-30-20 budget"
50% for needs
30% for wants
20% for savings

They gave readers the opportunity to plug in their numbers, see where they sit. I tried it, just for "fun"... what a load. Now, we are doing better than we used to, we opened a savings account at a different bank than our normal... direct deposits from both of us each payday. Being at a different bank than usual, it's out of our way if we wanted access to the money. We don't have online access to it, no card access, nothing. It's working pretty good so far, but it sure as hell isn't anywhere near 20% of our monthly income.

But some is better than none, right?

I guess what I'd really like is some REAL advise, tips, ideas on how to shave a bit more off the monthly expenses. Main reason: shave some off the wants and send it to the needs, er, um, bills.

We'd be sitting pretty good without that one credit card bill. Not that it's hard to pay, the minimum in only $150 per month. But we send them $300 every two weeks. They get $600 from us each month. That's because the balance on that one card is so damn high, it would still take probably 3 or 4 years of payments that size to get rid of it.

Thought about/ thinking about looking for a part time job, Hell, I work 5 am to 2pm, so I've got time in the afternoons. Even if I only made $150 per week, that right there would be the $600 we send to Discover.

If anyone reading this has any advise for people who are already doing the basics, the obvious things, people who want REAL ideas, please, post them in the comments.

Other than that, I just wanted to whine and bitch a bit. I am a woman after all...

Pooper Bowl

this post is not going to be about how much I hate the packers. just wanted to start off by saying I do tho. hate them.

I have an appointment tomorrow for our taxes. crossing my fingers big time! Any of that money is for Ireland. Oh, hells yeah, I'm going to Ireland the end of March.

I have a cool idea, inspired by things going on recently in my life. Don't know if it would make a good book, but maybe a good movie. So, Flat, you and Brianne can rest assured, it is NOT about killing people. Inspired by my life, and I haven't been on a bloody rampage lately.

I just need to get pen to paper, or um... fingers to keyboard (?) and get it hammered out. Its about something that happens in my life "Every Two Weeks". That's what I'm calling it in my head as I think it out and try to work on it mentally. And no, Scott, it isn't sex!!

It's not as dark and scary as "Does it hurt?". Maybe that's because when I started that project, I was a teen and everything was dark and scary. The FBI doesn't give too much weight to psych evals on teens because they all profile as psychopaths... maybe that's how that little tale came out of me back then.

But this one, I could see going towards more romantic/comedy/drama. THAT describes my life right now. 3 reasons: I love my husband, he's a goof and I have teenagers. See? romance, comedy and drama...

And now to go back to compiling my 2010 life for the tax guy and cursing at the TV. goddam packers. hate.them.