am I the only one?

who wonders "is this it? is this really what my life is?"

I know it's dumb to whine that. I know that if a person doesn't particularly like something, they have the power to change it. usually. It's not even that I don't like my life, I do. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my home and pets, I even love my minivan.

But part of me still wonders if I'm missing something. No, that's not even it, I KNOW I am missing something. I just don't know what it is. How can you miss something without even knowing what you're missing? It's just a feeling, or a lack of a feeling, like a void.

I just have a had time accepting that MY life is going to consist of working hard, working long hours, just to keep my head above water, just seems like all work and no play make nik... depressed.

And the stupid thing is, I did just have an uber-fun long weekend, and there's a small glimmer of hope attached to it.

Maybe I am just impatient (not 'maybe'... I AM impatient, I admit that) maybe I would never be fully happy, maybe I'm one of those 'grass is greener' idiots who, upon getting TO the greener grass, keeps looking and longing for greener grass. It's never enough, I am just that selfish?

I have a job, and I can go to it every stinkin' day, and because of that, I can pay bills, and I can live in the home that I love. I should shut up and be happy about that, so many people don't have that... but still....

Ok, I've played my own Devil's Advocate and I've tried to stop my whiny vent, or venti whine, depending on how you look at it, I guess.
I just needed to get it out of my head so that maybe I can go to sleep tonight when I turn out the light. Because, it starts all over again tomorrow, work and earn, spend and send. lather, rinse, repeat.

Oh hell, my life is a shampoo bottle.

FIRST time's a charm?

I've been pretty lucky in my life with firsts.

My first attempt at the speech competition, back in the 10th grade netted me a trip to State Competition.

My first 'real' (meaning it lasted more than 6 months!) boyfriend turned into my husband of over 17 years, still going strong.

My first wedding dress try-on was a perfect fit, a perfect dress. Never even looked at another, found the perfect one right away.

My first marriage... yeah, see the previous two 'firsts'... picked a winner right out of the gate.

My first child... a son, exactly what I wanted. Of course, he's not perfect, but he's exactly what I wanted in a kid... funny, sarcastic, smart, (usually) honest with me, he's a good kid, I actually LIKE him, as a person!

Yesterday I sent off my first draft of my manuscript to an agent. For the first time. I have heard horror stories of people sending off hundreds of queries, submitted to hundreds of agents, and getting hundreds of what I like to call "Loser Letters"... you know, those "thanks but no thanks" computer generated snubs...

Now, don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes all up on this one. Hell, I started the book so long ago (17 days short of 20 years actually! Yup, wrote those first words on my 18th birthday) that if I was really that nutso about getting my book published, I'd have been A LITTLE more 'on the ball'...

But I can't help but think about those wonderful firsts... and how selfish of me to wish for just.one.more.